


The Apostles

by Bowl_Stealer_and_Bull_Screecher, Ollie_Mor



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: I kinda do research on things and then make notes on it so this’ll be a bit of a dump?, if it needs like cw, just tell me? i think it’s vague but i’m never sure, sorry ig
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 22:27:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30096057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bowl_Stealer_and_Bull_Screecher/pseuds/Bowl_Stealer_and_Bull_Screecher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ollie_Mor/pseuds/Ollie_Mor
Summary: Really just a dump for the information I have on the Apostles. And some “incorrect quotes.”I guess this could be used if you need to know some real basics of the 12 (+bonus), like really fast.
Relationships: Jesus Christ & the Apostles, Jesus Christ/John the Baptist





	1. Saint Joseph

**Author's Note:**

> The incorrect quotes are curtesy of my infinitely funnier friend, Ollie_Mor. The rest is just my research.
> 
> Honestly, if I did a wrongin’, roast me, don’t care. I accept all criticism EXCEPT if it’s to tell me John and Jesus aren’t gay for each other. I will not accept that criticism because it’s just incorrect, and you’ll look like a fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to be added? Maybe Mary herself.

•Saint Joseph  
-called “just” by the Bible, the highest compliment this personified book can give  
>just in the Bible boils down to holy, basically, Joseph was completely open to God  
-Jesus’ step-father (obvious), and bu step father I mean, he raised him, bathed him, taught him, was his father but wasn’t also God, Jesus had three parents  
-decided to divorce Mary when he found she was pregnant—but like, low-key so she wasn’t embarrassed  
>probably before he found out it’s was God’s kid, he might’ve wanted her to be able to be with who she cheated with, or he was devastated and didn’t want it to damage their time together  
>either way, Joseph loved Mary  
-nothing said of him the years after Nazareth: the Return of the Baby  
>except Jesus in the Temple  
>it describes the time the whole family goes to Jerusalem for Passover, on the return trip, Jesus is found to be missing and they find him, say it with me: In the Temple. Good job. He was found there, having discussions with the Elders.  
-one of the things he’s patron saint of is “Happy Death” which worries me because, nice death? That’s not John? In a Bible story?  
>also patron of workers  
-he’s either the son of Jacob or Heli depending on which Gospel you trust: Matthew and Luke respectively  
-man was a carpenter, stronk  
>he’s described as a “tekton”, which is either axe work and/or weaving, building, fabricating and joining  
-him an Mary were about 18 and 16 respectively when Mr Jesus was born (which was the norm, don’t cry bros)  
-St Joseph’s Church is believed to be built over his home and workshop  
-since Joseph isn’t present at the Crucifixion, and Jesus puts Mary’s care into someone outside the family, he most likely died beforehand, maybe happily, wouldn’t that be pleasant  
-there’s some instances of a miracle by Mr Joseph sir but I’ll leave that to later  
-dude’s hot like, maybe I’ll leave a photo  
-I am not a simp, and none of the apostles definitely were, nope


	2. Peter, Andrew

•Peter/Simon  
-the “leader”  
> John is, but Peter is loud  
> John: *says something*  
Peter: *says the same thing but louder*  
-Inner Circle  
-impulsive  
-quick to deny knowing Jesus  
-first Pope  
-walked on water  
-fisherman  
-“when Peter was sentenced to death by crucifixion, he requested that his head be turned toward the ground because he did not feel worthy to die in the same manner as his Savior”  
-married when he started following Jesus  
-the “manly man”  
-strong-willed, impetuous, courageous

•Andrew  
-Peter’s brother  
-first one to join Jesus  
-actually introduced Peter to Jesus  
-always second to Peter, referred as Peter’s brother, though Peter is never called Andrew’s brother  
-(disciple of John the Baptist first)  
-fisherman  
-in the feeding of the 5,000, Andrew is the disciple who finds the boy with five loaves of bread and two fish  
-Philip deferred to him when some Greeks wanted to find Jesus  
-didn’t want to die like Jesus (like Peter), was bound to an X shaped cross, preached for the full 3 days (wild)


	3. James Greater, John,

•James the Greater  
-taller, older, or more important than Lesser  
-Inner Circle  
-John’s brother  
-Son of Thunder (refers to speech, temperaments, or ambition)  
-“yo Jesus, can we burn down this village? They weren’t very nice”  
-martyred  
-fisherman  
-son of Zebedee  
-first disciple to be martyred 

•John  
-beat Peter in a race (to Jesus’ empty tomb (allowed Peter to enter first tho (he bragged about being first)))  
-Inner Circle  
-James’ brother  
-Son of Thunder (refers to speech, temperaments, or ambition)  
-fisherman  
-“yo Jesus, can we burn down this village? They weren’t very nice”  
-took care of Mother Mary  
-“the disciple whom Jesus loved”  
-Peter defers to him  
-Peter was like “hey what’s gonna happen to John” and Jesus was like “none of your business”  
-dies of old age, quite the feat among the disciples  
-never actually referred to by name in gospel of John, just “whom Jesus loved”  
-wrote the gospel of John  
-son of Zebedee  
-“fiery temperament” and “larger-than-life personality”  
-outlived everyone  
-in many paintings, John is laying against Jesus—the only disciple depicted like this  
-“each of the 12 apostles, except John, abandoned Jesus during his trial and death at Calvary.”  
-John and Jesus definitely love each other  
-“walked 30 years with Jesus”


	4. Philip, Nathaniel, Thomas

•Philip  
-Nathaniel’s best friend  
-from Bethsaida like Peter and Andrew  
-the best at speaking Greek  
-the one who invited Nathaniel  
-asked Jesus to see God, Jesus replied “Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father”  
-crucified upside down with Nathaniel, he preached to the crowd and when they wished to release the two, Philip told them to take Nathaniel down, but leave him there (Acts of Philip)  
-one of the first disciples 

•Bartholomew/Nathaniel  
-Philip’s best friend  
-Bartholomew might be a patronymic name (son of Talmai)  
-bit skeptical of Jesus at first  
-went fishing with Peter, James, and John, plus Andrew  
-lots of death suggestions, never natural causes or old age—popular vote: flayed alive and beheaded  
-the first disciple the Gospels record as  
recognizing Jesus as the Son of God  
-was chillin under a fig tree when Jesus first noticed him  
-John calls him Nathaniel, Matthew, Mark, and Luke call him Bartholomew  
-one of the few Jesus “himself gave witness to the virtues he exemplifies”

•Thomas (Didymus)  
-The skeptic  
-Doubting Thomas  
-refused to believe Jesus was back from the dead until he saw and felt Jesus’ wounds for himself  
-called the Twin  
-no real name in the Bible  
-killed by lance in India, July 3rd, 72 AD  
-“prone to extremes”  
-the pessimist of the group  
-the one disciple not there for Easter Sunday


	5. Matthew, James Less, Thaddeus, Simon

•Matthew/Levi  
-tax collector  
-invited Jesus to his house and threw a party  
-tax collectors were like high sinner examples  
-tax collected in Capernaum

•James the Lesser  
-shorter, younger, or less important than Greater  
-son of some man named Alphaeus  
-might’ve been Jesus’ brother  
-might’ve been Matthew’s brother (probably not)  
-probably martyred

•Jude/Thaddeus  
-also known as Jude of James, Judas of James, Thaddeus, Judas Thaddeus, and Lebbaeus  
-Thaddeus is probably the nickname  
-“tender-hearted, gentle man who displayed childlike humility”

•Simon  
-the zealot  
> could’ve meant that he was a part of the Zealots, who were bent on revolution and looking for a Messiah to violently overthrow Rome  
> could’ve been zealous for like Mosaic law or Jesus himself  
-mistranslation to “Simon the Canaanite or Simon the Cananaean” (assumption that he was from Cana—a town within Galilee—or possibly even descended from one of the non-Jewish people groups in the area)  
> led to the idea that Simon was present at the wedding in Cana in John 2, where Jesus performed his first miracle and turned water into wine, and that he was the same person as Simon, the brother of Jesus  
-preached in Egypt for a bit  
-the least known  
-never actually mentioned in the Bible, except in the listing of the 12  
-who knows how anyone died  
-blacksmith???


	6. Judas, Mattias, Paul/Saul, Mark

•Judas Iscariot  
-was the treasurer for the group  
-he embezzled and was a thief  
-betrayed Jesus for 30 silver pieces  
-general list of how the betrayal happened:  
* Judas meets with the chief priests and agrees to betray Jesus (Matthew 26:14–16).  
* Jesus goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray, and the disciples keep falling asleep (Matthew 26:36–44).  
* Judas arrives with an armed mob sent from the chief priests, and points out Jesus by greeting him with a kiss (Matthew 26:47–49).  
* Shortly after, Judas regrets betraying Jesus, tries and fails to return the money the chief priests gave him (Matthew 27:3–4).  
-first to die of the apostles  
-hung himself?  
-lots of guilt, tried to return the money

Bonus:

•Matthias  
-been followin Jesus since John the Baptist  
-Peter appointed him after Judas’ death  
-witnessed Jesus’ ascension (zooooooom)  
-choice was between him and Joseph/Barsabbas/Justus (disciples voted or like drew a name from a jar)

•Paul/Saul  
-part of the Pharisees (opposed Jesus)  
-blinded when he went to arrest Jesus on the way to Damascus but sight was restored in Jerusalem  
-apostle to the Gentiles  
-called to reach non-Jewish communities  
-argued that he should’ve been Judas’ replacement, not Matthias

•Luke  
-the Evangelist, Saint Luke  
-Paul’s companion (maybe?)  
-kind of a Lemony Snicker it seems

•Mark  
-the Evangelist, John Mark (maybe)  
-John Mark was a traveling companion of Paul and Barnabus  
-Peter flees to John Mark’s mum’s house


	7. The Quotes #1

Judas is in a bar one night, regretting everything, feeling like a shitty person for selling Jesus out to the cops for a crime that he probably didn’t even commit, when someone sits next to him and orders two glasses of wine and slides him one.

He looks up and can’t believe his eyes.

“No hard feelings?” 

Judas takes the offered glass and grimaces. “I should be the one asking that.”

“Then ask away.”

“I don’t deserve-“

“Judas, my brother, my friend, my apostle. Drink my blood wine.”

Judas scowls and downs the glass before giving Jesus a punch on the shoulder. “You gross jerk.” Despite his words, he’s grinning.

-

Jesus: “I’m heading out for oils for anointing stuff- Peter, you’re in charge, listen to John.”

-

Judas: “From now on we will be using codenames. You can address me as “Judas One”

-Andrew, code name- “been there done that”

-Simon is “currently doing that”

-Jesus is “it happened once in a dream”

-James Greater is “if I had to pick a James”

-Thaddeus is... “Judas Two”.”

Thaddeus: “Oh thank god.”

-

Nathaniel walking up to a distressed Jesus who is desperately trying to find figs and he just sets a hand on his shoulder like “Bud, they’re not in season. Come on, we’ll get you something better.”


	8. The Quotes #2

Nathaniel: “I wanna be known as Nathaniel.”

Mark: “But you’re the son of Tolmai.”

Luke: “Yeah what is this gift of god shit?”

Jesus: “Disciples please. Don’t be fucking rude.”

-

Philip ~~(John, actually),~~ talking to the camera: “We made Judas treasurer because he was all serious and boring.”

Camera zooms in on Judas being shifty as he works.

“Turns put it wasn’t a smart decision in the long run.”

-

Matthew: “Let’s live it up! I’ll bring the blood wine!”

Judas: “Can we please not call it that?”

Simon: “Judas, stop being a buzzkill.”

-

Yeah and Jesus said “eat this, drink this, it’s me” like bro what does that even  
m e a n

Judas is like “you ruined my goddamn meal” and Jesus shoots back “don’t use my father’s name in vain”

-

Jesus: “I hate figs with a passion but Nathaniel is pretty alright.”

Nathaniel: “...thanks?”

Judas: “Are you calling Nathaniel a fruit?”

-

James the Lesser: “It’s all good sweetheart you don’t have to worry about me.”

James the Greater: “Sweetheart?”

Lesser: “Is it okay if I call you that?”

Greater: “You can call me anything you like.”

Lesser: “Okay James Prime.”

-

(Cue the whole Brown Bear notes)


	9. The Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This escaped me. Stop reading at "treacherous kiss" if you don't like weird. - Ollie

“You’ll know who he is when I kiss him.”

The chief priests all stiffen.

One steps forward, looking disturbed and perplexed. “What? Uhh, you really don’t have to do that, I mean you can just describe his appearance.”

The others murmur in agreement.

Judas scoffs, “How? By saying he has _facial hair?_ That he walks around _barefoot?_ All of them do. You’ll see Jesus when I kiss him.”

“Listen, Iscariot, we don’t exactly trust you, so if you could just cease this _nonsense—_ “

“ ** _Nonsense!”_** Judas repeats, sounding utterly bereaved. “Do you want your heretic or not?!”

The priest that spoke flinches away.

“Follow me before I lose my patience with you.” _Before I change my mind, realizing this is a mistake,_ a smaller part of Judas corrects. So small that the voice won’t return until long after his betrayal has solidified.

"We will not follow, but we will send men with you," one priest clarifies. 

Judas scowls. Too much time. Too much time was being granted to him, for him to back down, to think through his actions, to come down from whatever rage spurred him on to betray his friend in the first place. "Fine," he grits, leaving the chief priests to doddle. 

"So, the plan is—" 

"The man I kiss shall be your target."

A bewildered chuckle. "Is that really necessary?"

"Yes." Judas stares onward with a cold glare. "It is."

"You could tell us what he looks like. Or you could just point him out," a different nameless man suggests.

Insignificant, all of them. None of them would be remembered. They are but a footnote in Judas' betrayal. "I will tell you what I told the priests who hired you. _You’ll know who he is when I kiss him._ ”

Another member of the armed mob gathered by the priests steps forth. “I mean, they have a point, you don’t—“

“No, _listen._ " Strict, austere, ruthless: Judas takes the tone of a stern parent. "This is the only way.” Taciturn, sombre, uncertain: Judas speaks in his own voice

The passion burning in Judas’ eyes is that of a devout man… if not for the fact that he was devoted to the act of kissing another man… the priests and mob might have been inspired to cease their crooked ways and approach religion in a more honourable fashion.

Judas stalks away from the group, unconsciously straightening his posture as Jesus began to turn his way. Jesus had that effect on others. Even enraged and foolish, they wish to right themselves at his behest. 

Jesus notices Judas approaching and gives the man his full attention. With a broad, frustrating smile, he greets his friend: “Judas! How have you been? I’ve just been praying.”

Once Judas is close enough, he stops in front of Jesus. “I’ve wanted to do this for years.” The words are breathless as they escape his mouth.

Jesus, none the wiser, tilts his head in bemusement. “Hm? Why, Jude... you seem out of breath—"

Without a word of warning, the Traitor seizes the Son of God by the front of his robes, joining their lips in a treacherous kiss.

Judas forgets his purpose. He was supposed to pull away immediately. Let the mob take Jesus... He wasn't even supposed to close his eyes, dammit.

But Jesus wasn't pulling away either.

Instead, he's raising a hand to Judas' clenched fist, causing the man to relax his grip on the cloth. Against his better judgement, the treasurer sighs into the kiss, bringing his other hand to his friend's face, caressing his cheek. More than just his purpose, Judas forgets his guilt, his fear, his hesitance. He forgets the wrath that brought him before the chief priests, the momentary bitterness that drove him to accept their bribe. He forgets there is an armed mob waiting for the cue to arrest Jesus. 

The world departs for a moment... and in the void stand two men. Friends, once... but after this?

How could Judas expect to be anything less than enemies? 

He withdraws.

The mob somehow get it into their minds that that's the signal. Perhaps it is. However, Judas wishes it didn't have to be. He longs already for the chance that he could go back to that peaceful state just before. He opens his eyes, and Jesus is watching him. 

_Christ, had your eyes been open the whole time?_

The mob draws closer. Judas' hand unconsciously grips the front of Jesus' robe again. He should let go. They were coming to take Jesus away now; his grip on the man would not discourage them. He also can't excuse it by saying he was restraining the man, as Jesus wasn't moving a muscle. 

_Sorry,_ he wishes to say. The word wouldn't leave his mouth; in fact, no words would. And he had many.

His friend smiles and nods, hearing the unspoken truth. There was something unimaginable dancing in his eyes, something Judas could not believe. 

As two men grab him by the arms, Jesus leans forward and grants Judas a tiny kiss in return. It is only a peck... No...

_It was forgiveness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got way too sincere, what the hell, I was just trying to shitpost, and then the holy spirit possessed me. No one tells Jesus about this, please. Sorry, my friend, for doing this. - Ollie


End file.
